True ATC and Pilot discussions

Cobra Doc

Senior Trouble Maker
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Oct 13, 2004
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1,787
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Carrollton, GA
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Senior Telemaster, Schluter Moskito
Total Flight Time
25,000 instrument approaches
The DISCOM commander at Ft. Campbell was one of the funniest people I ever met. The Colonel was always a great person to be around. He always had a twinkle in eye and was always up to something. One day he came to me with an air horn kit from a 2 1/2 ton truck and asked if I could put it on his airplane which just happened to be a C-12 (KingAir 200). I found room for it in the nose gear well. Running the pluming for it took me 4 days. On Friday he decided it was time to try it out. We flew up to the Lexington, KY airport. The Colonel foudn a spot infront of the airport restaraunt where he could just fit the airplane in between a couple of trucks. Then he started honking. A waitress, a bit dumb-founded, came out and asked what he wanted. He ordered two hamburger lunches, to go. After we got our lunches he called the tower and asked if there was anyone behind him because he was ready to taxi. Tower said he was clear and asked if he needed someone to push him back. The Colonel declined, put the props in beta and simply backed out. After we cleared the traffic pattern the Colonel died laughing saying "Thanks Specialist Mac, I've wanted to do that for years. That place makes the worlds best hamburgers and you're the only that didn't say putting a horn on a 12 was impossible." He was also the pilot that had to remind Lexinton that a CH-47 is still a helicopter.
 

Harry_S.

Gold Supporter
Joined
Oct 30, 2003
Messages
5,649
Location
Ocala, Florida
Aircraft
RAF2000
Total Flight Time
2000+ hrs.
Hey Cody...did he blow the windows out of that restaurant when he backed out?:eek:


Cheers :)
 

Cobra Doc

Senior Trouble Maker
Joined
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Messages
1,787
Location
Carrollton, GA
Aircraft
Senior Telemaster, Schluter Moskito
Total Flight Time
25,000 instrument approaches
No, he just blew the minds of everybody that saw it! The tower folks could barely give us clearance and instructions due to laughing to much.
 

Cobra Doc

Senior Trouble Maker
Joined
Oct 13, 2004
Messages
1,787
Location
Carrollton, GA
Aircraft
Senior Telemaster, Schluter Moskito
Total Flight Time
25,000 instrument approaches
New Tower Controller: "Army 261, it appears your right cargo door is open."
Army 261: Say again Tower? My what?"
Tower: "261, Your right side caro door is wide open."
Army 261, after a brief pause: "Tower, does it look closed now?"
Tower: "Yes sir, it's closed."
Army 261: "Ma'am, Mohawks don't have cargo doors. Those are speedbrakes."
 

Cobra Doc

Senior Trouble Maker
Joined
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Messages
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Location
Carrollton, GA
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Senior Telemaster, Schluter Moskito
Total Flight Time
25,000 instrument approaches
We had a new controller at Simmons AAF, Ft Bragg. Any time a controller comes to a new facility the training program is fairly extensive. One of the main manuals is the FAA ATC Handbook 7110.65, usually refered to as just the "point 65". As our new controller was sitting in the darkest corner of the radar room studying, he quipped "I wonder if the point 65 is available in Braille?"
To which the Final Controller replied "No, but Part 91 is."

***************************

When my dad was stationed at Johsnon AFB in Japan, a, then brand new, U-2 requested the current forecast for Johnson for the next two hours. After giving the two hour forecast, tower asked the airplanes position and why the odd request. The U-2 driver reported that he was 700 miles out and just ran out of fuel. Tower asked if he was declaring an emergeny, to which the U-2 replied "Not at this time, we'll call you back." After an hour of no contact the U-2, the base started preparing for a SAR mission. As the search planes were getting ready to taxi out tower attempted another contact. When the U-2 answered the tower had him "say present position". The pilot answered with "We're on 25 mile final, can you have our ground crew get ready." The U-2 pilot had turned off almost all his electronics to save the batteries for landing. The best dad could get out the pilot was that when they ran out of fuel they were "way the heII up there".
 
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Cobra Doc

Senior Trouble Maker
Joined
Oct 13, 2004
Messages
1,787
Location
Carrollton, GA
Aircraft
Senior Telemaster, Schluter Moskito
Total Flight Time
25,000 instrument approaches
One of the WOC students was having a tough time getting his head around the UH-1 one morning. His approaches were terrible and over-all control was just sloppy. When a DeHaviland Gypsy Moth cart-wheeled on the runway, I had to find a place for the Huey for a few minutes while med-evac came in for the pilot and the airport management cleared the wreck. I put the Huey in holding on the VOR inbound 090, right turns and told them to expect further clearance in 15 minutes. The WOC didn't realize he had a hot mic and I heard his frustrations with the helicopter while he was talking to the instructor. At 15 minutes he called for further clearance. The med bird needed a couple more minutes so I told our candidate it would be another 10 minutes and advised him that he had a hot mic. Then I added "Sir, given your situation, I can let you have left turns to unwind."
After a couple more very nice approaches, he came to the GCA to thank me for breaking the tension he was devolping over his poor flying. He said that once everybody on-board (instructor and two students) quit laughing, the Huey was suddenly easy to fly.
 
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Vance

Gyroplane CFI
Joined
Oct 30, 2003
Messages
15,593
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Nipomo,California
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Givens Predator
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The gift of humor. It has such value.

Steve McGowen many times helped me not be too hard on myself his with humor. He is very funny.

Thank you for the reminder, Cody.

Thank you, Vance
 

Cobra Doc

Senior Trouble Maker
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Messages
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Location
Carrollton, GA
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Senior Telemaster, Schluter Moskito
Total Flight Time
25,000 instrument approaches
Way back, when Jesus was a Corporal and I was just a lowly Private E-2, very few of superiors realized that I had worked in aviation for almost two years before I joined the Army. Soooo, while I was still just a "skeeter wing" I used to carry a "jesus-nut" retainer in my pocket. (Jesus-nut holds the rotor to the mast, the jsesus-nut reainer holds the jesus-nut to the rotor-head) Whenever we got to altitude with a new pilot in the Huey, I would tap him on the shoulder, reach in to my pocket and say "Sir, I found this little thingy on the ground just after pre-flight. Do you know what it is?" Fortunatly our company check-pilot knew me and he could keep a straight face. Every pilot checks the retainer, but nobody ever remembers checking it unless it's not there! I don't know what they teach them in flight school, but one poor Lieutenant almost passed-out on us, until the Warrant Officer started laughing.
A new Company Commander did get me and the Chief one day when I pulled it on him. The Major's reply was "I was wondering where that went. When we land I'll show you were it goes." The Chief and I couldn't remember checking it.
 

Buck

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Joined
Apr 12, 2006
Messages
191
Location
Edinburgh, Scotland
Cobra Doc said:
One of the instructor pilots at Ft. Rucker is one of the coolest customers I ever heard on the radio. He was completely cool and professional through the whole incident:
"Mayday, Mayday, Mayday. Lowe Tower, Pick 326 3 miles northwest we have a severe engine fire, 3 souls on board with 1 plus 45 in fuel."
"Pick 326, Lowe Tower, have you insight cleared to land at pilot's discretion. Say intentions."
"Lowe, Pick 326, we are going to drop this crate infront the fire station and run like hell. From there it's up to you guys."
This appeals to my dry sense of humour no end.:D
 

Cobra Doc

Senior Trouble Maker
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Messages
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Location
Carrollton, GA
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Senior Telemaster, Schluter Moskito
Total Flight Time
25,000 instrument approaches
After a lousy ILS approach a CH-47 instructor requested to "back-up on the ILS so we can try it agin". Since there was no traffic Tower approved the request. We monitored the flight on the PAR radar. The instructor flew a perfect ILS departure in reverse at 60 kts. At the FAF the instructor told the tower he was going to let the student "try it in forward gear."
 

Cobra Doc

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Messages
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Location
Carrollton, GA
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Senior Telemaster, Schluter Moskito
Total Flight Time
25,000 instrument approaches
I was working at a helicopter services company after I left the Army. The Sheriff's department bought a new Bell 407 with all the cool toys. I was helpin the avionics tech install some of the more benign equipment when he went to get a few nuts & bolts. As I was sitting there playing around with some of the more fun equipment, the pilot caught me. He asked "Are you aware that most of this equipment is either Classified or Secret?" To which I nonchalantly replied "Yes sir, I am. If you prove your security clearance to me, I'll teach you how to use it."
 

Cobra Doc

Senior Trouble Maker
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Messages
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Location
Carrollton, GA
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Senior Telemaster, Schluter Moskito
Total Flight Time
25,000 instrument approaches
After a gear-up landing in a Mooney, still sitting in the middle of the runway, spoken at writing speed "Excellent braking, advise A&P loud grinding from bottom of aircraft."
 

Crash one

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Feb 26, 2006
Messages
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Location
Cupar Scotland
Dusseldorf ATC: BA flight 2345 you have turned left at the wrong intersection, are you familiar with this airfield?
BA 2345: Dusseldorf tower, not really, last time I was here we just dropped off a couple of things & went home!
 

Crash one

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Messages
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Location
Cupar Scotland
I witnessed this one
HMS Ark Royal 1963
We crash crew were sitting watching jets landing when a Sea Vixen hurtled past at full throttle at a height of 30 feet with an arrester wire attached, it then stopped & came down with a bang, destroying the nosewheel, The pilot slid down the nose & remarked to his C/O in a very upper class & calm tone " You know, it's extremely difficult to take off with 50,000 tons of carrier hanging underneath"
 

Cobra Doc

Senior Trouble Maker
Joined
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Messages
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Location
Carrollton, GA
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Senior Telemaster, Schluter Moskito
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25,000 instrument approaches
A couple of my controllers and I were hanging out in a bar with our favorite aviation unit in Ch'un Ch'on, ROK one night when one of the UH-60 jocks started extolling the virtues(?) of pilots. My senior controller started the follwing exchange, that involved all three controllers and 5 or 6 pilots and at least one crew chief:

"Pilots are nothing more than dazed and confused airplane benders."
"Controllers are wannabe aviatiors."
"The Tower is as close as I wannabe in the air with you flying."
"If not for pilots you would be unemployed."
"I'd also have a lot more hair."
"Pilots are a special breed!"
"Over-paid knuckle-dragger?"
"Specialist, that's really insulting. The skill level of Army pilots is unmatched."
"That explains the big green 4-man 600hp fire extinguisher we keep on alert. Only an Army pilot could make that big a mess with a little helicopter."
"Well, we are highly trained. They spend 9 months teaching us how to crash."
"They only spend 6 months teaching us how to keep you from crashing. I guess some people are just easier to train."
"We are required to know all the aspects of our aircraft and it's capabilities."
"Riiiight, Sir. I have yet to see you with a tool box in your hand."

After several beers, that's about all I remember of the conversation. I'm sure it went on much longer.
 

Cobra Doc

Senior Trouble Maker
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Messages
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Carrollton, GA
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Senior Telemaster, Schluter Moskito
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25,000 instrument approaches
Questions and comments I've had to make!

Questions and comments I've had to make!

Some of them you'll just have to use your imagination:

Just so I understand this, you are going to put two people in the airplane, aim it at a mountian, turn on the autopilot and see if it misses the mountain?

Sir, how far do you figure that cannon will glide when you rip the hook out the helicopter?

I really don't want to see if the wire cutters work. How 'bout just a tad more altitude?

Well Sir, given your abilities and the performance of this airplane I have no doubt you can land there. If you intend to get back out by air you really should consider having a Chinook standing by.

Captain, how fast do you reckon a Huey can get out of shotgun range?

LT, that's the circuit breaker that causes the Crew Chief to beat the crap out of the pilot.

You put HOW MUCH hydraulic fluid in that hole?!?!?

Ohoh, any idea where that rocket went?

What's he so mad at? That mango missed by a good foot.

Sir, I highly reccomend you put the gun down, I'm Army, not Customs.

How many CAP planes hit that powerline? We better get another truck.

Before you do that again Major, just remember your seat releases are back here.

No we don't have any barf-bags. Use your helmet. Just don't put it back on when we land.

Whoa, no tan lines.

A buck says he hot starts.... You owe me a buck and that's YOUR bird! See ya.
 

Chuck Roberg

Gyro's are more fun
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3,505
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Naperville, IL
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Plane Talk

Plane Talk

Some old some new. I'll let you sort them out. ;)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aviation Note: For those who don't know, "The Sled" is the SR-71
Blackbird spy plane from the 1960's and still the fastest
airplane._*

*In his book, "Sled Driver", SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul
writes: "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred
one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across
Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio
transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles
airspace Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our
movement across their scope. *

*I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed."90 knots"
Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120
knots,"*

*Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed
that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah,
Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout." There was a slight
pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." Another
silent pause. *

*As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard
a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater.
It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a
real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20,
you got a ground speed readout for us?" There was a longer than
normal pause... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots" (That's about 2004.658
mph for those who don't know)*

*No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.*

*--------------------------------------------------*

*In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported
receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft). The
incredulous controller , with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How
do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet? *

*The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to
go up to it; we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.*

*-------------------------------------*

*The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He
placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the
navigator, *

*"Do you know what I use this for?"*

*The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot
responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"*

*The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart
table. *

*The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the
navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."*

*--------------------------------------------*

*When Hillary Clinton visited Iraq last month the Army Blackhawk
helicopter used to transport the Senator was given the call sign
"broomstick one". And they say the Army has no sense of humor!*

*--------------------------------------------------------------------------
*
*Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta
351:"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"*

*--------------------------------------------------------------------
*
*One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled
out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some
quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. *

*Did you make it all by yourself?"*

*Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by,
came back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like
that and I'll have enough parts for another one." *

*----------------------------------------------- ---*

*There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority
landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit
peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was
number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. *

*"Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."*

*----------------------------------------------*

*A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was
your last known position?" *

*Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."*

*--------------------------------------------------*
*Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around
and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took
off. *

*A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the
problem?"*

*"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,"
explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a
new pilot." *
 
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