marriage jokes

[Sheldon]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a
very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.

*****************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack
your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'




********************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
the other is a husband.

[GyroDoug]

Jim,

Now those are funny!!! I liked them so much I sent them to my wife. I didn't want to give her any ideas just in case she ever does win the lottery, but I suspect that isn't very likely to happen so I should be safe. Thanks for sharing.

Gyro Doug

[Rehan K.Janjua]

A man crying on a grave. "why did you have to die".

Another man: Sorry. is it your child or mom or some one close.

The man replied No its my wifes first husband.

[Rehan K.Janjua]

Marriage survey report:

Only 6 to 7% men have brains.........
The rest have wifes!!!

[Rehan K.Janjua]

Once upon a time....
A boy asked a girl "will you marry me"
The girl says "NO"
And the boy lived happily ever after.

[Resasi]

These were all good gents, .

[J-SiN]

What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend????¿¿¿¿???

............................
............................

about 45 lbs. LOL

[All_In]

OK, now these are funny!!!

Still laughing!!!!!!

[fiveboy]

A professor at University of Montana was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,
'Do you know what your a$$ hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

[EI-GYRO]

Marriage can be kinky.
I believe annual intercourse is quite common.

Yes, virginity is a recurring condition.

[gyro-3xio]

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted,
they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside
and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'


The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about
having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look
at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around
behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, '! Not this time!'


The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a
startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever
seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to
be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for
posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have to show you something you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead?!?!'


The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue.' she replied. 'The Smith's bought one and I liked it so
much I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a
sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days
at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing.'


The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a
bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked, 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied,
'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'


The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked
up and said weakly, 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to,' his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your
best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know, I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

[scandtours]

What wifes and gaverments have in common?



..................... you have to change them every three/four years.

[Resasi]

Husband looked up from the novel he was reading, turned questioningly to his wife and said "Tell me something bittersweet."
She looked across and replied " You have a much bigger private parts than any of your friends."

[fiveboy]

A man and woman are having
marital problems and so they go to see a

marriage counselor.The counselor says, 'Well, let's begin by one of you telling me

something the two of you have in common.'

The husband spoke up
and said, 'Well, neither one of us will suck a dick.


Badda Bing!
fiveboy
(Thank you very much.... I`ll be here all week try the veal).