Another joke

[Chuck Irby]

A three year old boy in his bath examined his testicles and
asked, "Mommy, are these my brains?"
Mom said: "Not yet"

[Phil_Ruffin]

Chuck, Here's one I thought was funny.........

Last Child Support Check

Today is my daughters 18th birthday.......
I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment.
Month after month, year after year, those payments!

I called my baby girl to come over to my house, and
when she got there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want
you to take this last check over to your mama's house;
you tell her that this is the last check she's ever going
to get from me, then I want you to come back here and
tell me the expression she had on her face."

So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was so
anxious to hear what the witch had to say and what
she looked like.

As my baby girl walked though the door, I said, "Well
now ... what did she have to say?"


"She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy."

[Chuck Irby]

Hey Phil, You're right. That one is a lot better than the one I posted.

How is your machine coming along and what did you decide to do re the radiator?

[GyroRon]

Phil, ROTFLMAO! Good one

[Phil_Ruffin]

Chuck, I am going to take it back and see it he will swap it for the one without the cap. It's a little bigger and heavier but I'll go with the suggestions.

For the rest of the gyro I am a little short on play funds at the moment, but I do have a lot of freelance work coming in. This is what I use to support my gyro habit. Hopefully in the next couple of weeks I will be able to buy the rest of the parts I need. Only need about 350 bucks to finish.
Later, Phil

[Chuck Irby]

Thanx for the reply Phil. Please forgive me for asking as often as I have. It's just that I am truly interested and would love to get together with you and some of you Georgia boys and do some playing in the sky.

[Screw]

What did the Battery say to the Potato Chip?
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I'm Eveready if your FritoLay!

John-

[joeheli]

This is a good one:

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved,signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had received a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler." ;D

[joeheli]

:'(

[joeheli]

Auch!! :- :'(

[bogman]

Those were great Jose :) ;D :D

[bogman]

->
> An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
>
>
> Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
>
>
> Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
>
>
> Older Woman: Oh, I see.
>
>
> Officer: Can I see your license please?
>
>
> Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
>
>
> Officer: Don't have one?
>
>
> Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
>
>
> Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
>
>
> Older Woman: I can't do that.
>
>
> Officer: Why not?
>
>
> Older Woman: I stole this car.
>
>
> Officer: Stole it?
>
>
> Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
>
>
> Officer: You what?
>
>
> Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you
> want to see.
>
>
> The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
> calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A
> senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn
> gun.
>
>
> Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The
> woman steps out of her vehicle.
>
>
> Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
>
>
> Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car
> and murdered the owner.
>
>
> Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
>
>
> Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
>
>
> The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
>
>
> Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
>
>
> Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is
> quite stunned.
>
>
> Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
> license.
>
>
> The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
> hands it to the officer.
>
>
> The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
>
>
> Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
> have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and
> hacked up the owner.
>
>
> Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
>
>
>
> Don't Mess With Old Ladies
>

[bogman]

On the first day God created the cow.

God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer
all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves
and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you
a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want
me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and
I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day God created the dog.

God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and
bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give
you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me
ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."

So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey.

God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make
them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."

The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty
years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's
what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man.

God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing,
just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you
what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave
back, that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play,
have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years
we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten
years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren;
and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained.

[bogman]

Think you are having a bad day?

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire.
The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns,
but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a
positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine
how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving
off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters,
seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called
in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was
dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest
fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like
Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke
in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.
Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.



Still think you're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband
cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door.
She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on
a fairly large hill, went down the several flights
of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside.
She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home,
looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done
to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled
himself with a cigarette while attending to his business.
About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and
her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom
floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his
buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance.
The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the
ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself.
She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the
stretcher moved and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.



Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon
Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.



Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.


STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly,
all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.

What?! STILL having a bad day??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage
on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender"
stamped on it.

Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better?

[Chuck Irby]

Pretty good stuff BogMan!

[joeheli]

Quick Joke
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... "WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???" "Yep they are all mine," the flustered mumma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy. All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's this one?" Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right..." says the caseworker, "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?" Their Momma replied, "Well, yes - it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I just yell 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all come a runnin.' An 'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?" "Ah, that's so easy," said the momma. "Then I calls them by their last names." :D :D

[joeheli]

This is another one I found on the web:

A husband, wife and son are barely making ends meet on their farm. One morning the woman sees the family's only cow lying dead in the field and hangs herself in desperation. When the man awakens, he sees his wife and cow dead and shoots himself. The son finds his parents dead and goes to drown himself, only to discover a mermaid at the river. The mermaid tells him, "If you have sex with me 10 times in a row, I will revive your parents and the cow." "Why not 20?" replies the son. "Fine," she says. "Twenty it is." "But wait," says the boy. "How do I know that 20 times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?" :D :D

[joeheli]

I have a good news they found "Bid Laden" favorite brother! "Ass Laden" :D

[joeheli]

On Puerto Rico now they are planing to stop car accidents created by woman using a sing on every highway: :D

[Chuck Roberg]

Ananova:

Childless couple told to try sex

A German couple who went to a fertility clinic after eight years of marriage have found out why they are still childless - they weren't having sex.

The University Clinic of Lubek said they had never heard of a case like it after examining the couple who went to see them last month for fertility tests.

Doctors subjected them to a series of examinations and found they were both apparently fertile, and should have had no trouble conceiving.

A clinic spokesman said: "When we asked them how often they had had sex, they looked blank, and said: "What do you mean?".

"We are not talking retarded people here, but a couple who were brought up in a religious environment who were simply unaware, after eight years of marriage, of the physical requirements necessary to procreate."

The 30-year-old wife and her 36-year-old husband are now being given sex therapy lessons while the university clinic undertakes a study to try to find out if there are more couples with a similar lack of sex education.

From: http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_957945.html?menu=news.quirkies.sexlife