Joke of the day

[Screw]

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position,
so
> >they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down
three
> >people. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all
> >the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best
> >answer would get the job.
> >
> > The question was:
> >
> > A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side
> >with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the
> >woman's back. What is the man's name?
> >
> > After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their
> >answers.
> >
> > The first one says "My answer is, there IS no answer."
> >
> > The second one says "My answer is, that there is no way to
determine
> >the answer with the information we were given."
> >
> > The THIRD one says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed
> >down to two names. It's either Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."
> >
> > HE GOT THE JOB!

[Screw]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and
> tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the
cab,
> nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches
from a
> large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in
the
> cab.
>
> Then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the
> daylights out of me."
>
> The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't
> realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
>
> The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it is all my fault. Today is
my
> first day driving a cab... for the last 25 years I've been driving a
> hearse.

[Screw]

>Subject: Fridays in Hell!
> >
> >
> >One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in
> >despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
> >
> >The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
> >
> >
> >
> >The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
> >
> >"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun
down
> >here. You a drinking man?"
> >
> >"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
> >
> >
> >
> >"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is
drink.
> >Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We
drink
> >till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
> >
> >
> >
> >The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
> >
> >"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
> >
> >"You better believe it!"
> >
> >"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over
the
> >world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie.
You're
> >already dead, remember?"
> >
> >"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
> >
> >The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
> >
> >"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
> >
> >"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette,
> >poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead
anyhow.
> >You into drugs?"
> >
> >The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
> >
> >
> >
> >"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big
bowl
> >of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can
do
> >all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
> >
> >"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I
> >never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
> >
> >The demon said, "You gay?"
> >
> >"No."
> >
> >"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

[Chuck Roberg]

The Leopard and the Dachshund


A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took her
faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts
chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is
lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction
with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm
in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by,
and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the
approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund
exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there
are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of
terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the
leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something
must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes
a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a
fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to
happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back,
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog
sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them
yet...and just when they get close enough to hear the dachshund says........
"Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me
another leopard!"


REMEMBER: IF YOU CAN'T DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE, BAFFLE THEM WITH B.S.

[Heron]

:D precious!

[chuter]

:D :D :D I like it!

[GraemeMonro]

A blond nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a cheque..
She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries
to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then
realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great...... just
great.....Some asshole's got my pen."

[Chuck Roberg]

Why Women are Crabby:

We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything
that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings
us to tears. Enter the almighty,
uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until
we have calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with
those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have
to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton
rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the
first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus
through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little
cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and
water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother
John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live
with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night
and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we
pee our pants every time we sneeze. When the big moment arrives, the dam in
our blessed Nether Regions will
invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big
cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER.
Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop
screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10 ) good
push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the ***** (and
hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb
bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that
"cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering,
wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking
little poop machines.

The teen years. Need I say more?


The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in
our early 40's while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all
womanhood. It's either take the HR. and chance cancer in those now seasoned
"buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July,
wash your sheets and pillowcases daily
and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off
so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods
without soaking their socks...

Now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make the Great
Ghandi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me. Send
this to seven bright women you know and make their day!!! Or at least make
them laugh a little...

[Caribean_gyro]

what are 12 mother in laws drowning in the water?

They are doing well!!

[quadrirotor]

what is the only thing a woman wants?

[Heron]

The CIA was trying to hire some new agents and 3 guys went to training camp, a French, An English and a Portuguese (polish joke)
The last test to hire was presented to them. . .
Their were given a pistol and shown to a dor
-Behind that door is your wife, in order to pass you have to kill her!
The French immediately refused
- Mon Dieu . . .I can't do that to any women especilly my wife!
He was dismissed "You are not fit for this job."
The English went in and few minutes late came out in tears
- I can't bloody do it!
- Sorry you are not ready for this tasks, said the Cia guy.
The portuguese get the gun and walk in . . .
Three shoots are hear and than a little silence followed by a sound of crashing wood and screams that stop suddenly.
The portuguese opens the door all swetty and livid.
- You should have warned me that the pistol only had blanks . . .I had to use a chair to get her . . .
:D

[quadrirotor]

evolution...

[Heron]

Using tools to achieve perfection!!

[Chuck Roberg]

A few of Van Gogh's relatives were:

His dizzy aunt -------------------------------------- Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes ---------------------- Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store --- Stopn Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ------------------ U Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothes white -------- Hue Gogh

The cousin from Illinois --------------------------- Chica' Gogh

His magician uncle ------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ------------------------------- A mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------- Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach ---------- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle ----------------------------- Cant Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt ------------------------ Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle ---------------------------- Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst ------------------------ E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin --------------------------- Man Gogh

An aunt who taug ht positive thinking ------------ Way-to Gogh

The little bouncy nephew --------------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco ---------------------------- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van --- Winnie Bay Gogh




--Well, there you Gogh!

[Pelt]

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some
cyanide. The pharmacist said, " Why in the world do you need
cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, " Lord have mercy, I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license."

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't
tell me you had a prescription."

[bogman]

Senator Hillary Clinton was attending a party, when

she noticed Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

She walked over to him, and in a quiet voice said;

"If you were my husband I would poison your drink."

Schwarzenegger smiled, leaned forward, and whispered

in her ear, "And if you were my wife I would drink it.

[Udi]

What is the difference between in-laws and out-laws?
.
.
.
.
Out-laws are WANTED!

:cool:

[quadrirotor]

gay-power!

[Screw]

Screw-In

That's sick!

screw-Out

[le-wardy]

But John, aren't the staunch feminists waiting for the day when science enables us men to get pregnant and have babies, just so they can see if men can handle it ??

[quadrirotor]

feminist power!...

[Chuck Roberg]

Amusing thoughts for the day....... :) :)

13. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

12. Life is sexually transmitted.

11. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


10. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an
erection make him a sandwich!

9. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use
the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

8. Some people are like Slinkies . .. . not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.


6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

5.All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

3. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

You read about all these Terrorists, most of them came here legally, but
they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and
those people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge
of immigration. :D :D

[Heron]

Arrrgh . . .don't say that word Immi . . .f . .gration!
What a mess
Heron

[Chuck Roberg]

If you are undecided about who to vote for this Fall, this site has the answers.. Takes time to load.....


http://www.jibjab.com/thisland.html


Only in America............................

[Pelt]

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday,
and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration,
he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note -- romantic,
but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister,
he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister
purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got
the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the
contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart
with the following note:

“I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of
wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your
sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she
wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate
shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had
been wearing for the past three weeks, and they were hardly soiled.

I had her try your's on for me, and she looked really smart. I wish
I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other
hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see
you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away,
as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how
many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will
wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down, with a little
fur showing.”

[Pelt]

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the
ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife
went on the ride by herself.

The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and
landed in a heap at her husband's feet.

"Are you hurt?" he asked.

"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't
wave once!"

[AZSpyder]

I ran across this one yesterday while flipping through a Readers Digest in the doctors office. I believe it had been in the true life funnies section.
It started with someone asking their father in law how his day was. Terrible, I was dusting crops in the plane when I clipped a power line and damaged a wing. When I got back I had to listen to my boss chew me out. Then I had to listen to the FAA chew me out.
On the way home I stopped for a beer and was surved a warm one. I yelled at the bar tender “This beer is warm, how about a cold one.” He said there wasn’t a cold one in the place, there’s been no power all afternoon. Some stupid crop duster took down a power line.

[Heron]

After extensive reseach it was determined that the favorite sexual position for americam couples is the doggy style:
The Husband - sits and begs
The Wife - rolls over and plays dead!
Ain't that a fact?
Heron

[le-wardy]

BWAHAHAHAHA !!! :D That was a beauty Heron.

In Australia, the favourite sexual position for couples is the missionary position.

The wife - bends over to pick something up
The husband - praying for the wife to ask him to come up from behind

:D :D

[Heron]

Bumper sticker
"I am not gay, but my boyfriend is!"

[Glenn D]

Guys,

my wife forwarded This to me this morning, just had to laugh!

PS. partial nudity

[le-wardy]

Just goes to show. You can never ignore the power from Heinz baked beans. :D

[Chuck Roberg]

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest
was fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and
banners. He turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Moishe
Plotnik's Chinese Laundry." "Moishe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does
that fit in Chinatown?"

So he walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking Chinese
laundry. He could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the
uniqueness of the name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee
mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry." There
was also a fair selection of Chinatown souvenirs, indicating that the
name alone had brought many tourists into the shop.

The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back
to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman
who thanked him for his purchase. The tourist asked, "Can you tell mehow
this place got a name like"Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?"

The old man answered, "Ahh - - Everybody asks me that. It's the name of
the owner."

Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here now?"

"He is right here," replied the old man. "He is me."

"Really? You're Chinese. How did youever get a name like Moishe
Plotnik?"

"Is simple," said the old man. "Many, many years ago when I came to this
country, I was standing in line at the documentation center. The man in
front of me was a Jewish gentleman from Poland. The lady at the counter
looked at him and said, "What is your name?" He answered " Moishe
Plotnik."

Then she looked at me and said, "What is your name?

I said, "Sam Ting."

[RayPierce]

I don't know about you guys but that picture reminds me of Jamie.
I know it's not Jamie because Dave DeWinter calls Jamie his half-assed friend.


Jamie lost a sizeable chunk of his butt in the accident in Mentone.

[birdy]

Confucius say;
Man going through airport door sidways is going to bang kok.

[airRanger]

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and! posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all
you want. God is watching the apples."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it
was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "
What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice
it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's
Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead." :rolleyes:

[Pelt]

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said.

"But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,under that tree"

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir,you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

[Chuck Irby]

Pretty cute, Randy. :D

[Brian Jackson]

What was Hellen Keller's dog's name?

(...auuuughuu...grughuuugh...aohoouuu-oughfphu)

[chuter]

The guy in your avatar is that guy on PBS that paints pictures in 30 minutes, right? Is that you?

[Chuck Irby]

That is some "far out" stuff. It appears to me that someone had far too much time on their hands. However, I quit after about 30 seconds.

[RobertDabbs]

The PBS painter is Bob Ross.
He was a cult hero to kids in the 80's.
He died several years ago.

[Whirlydog]

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite.
One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. Upon leaving the room she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks' door is open."

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary.

Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks' door was open this morning, did you notice a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

[Pelt]

An elderly Italian man who lived in the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession.

He said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son and you have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."

The priest said: "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people together under those circumstances are greatly tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."


"Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."


"And what is that?" said the priest.


"Should I tell her the war is over?"

[KenSandyEggo]

http://www.jibjab.com This is a funny video. By the way, all you prerotator fans. I posted some new pics (one of 191 rrpm) in the rotor-blade thread (Machine Shop Fired), but it didn't seem to appear in the "New Posts" thing-a-ma-jiggy. The latest info starts with post #10. There are also 2 pics of the refacing I'm doing on the 3-puck side.

[Chuck Irby]

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion." Joe: "Really?" Moe:
"Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
....
....
A blonde called Delta Airlines and asked, "Can you tell me how long
it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent
replied, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde said, and hung up.
....
....
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of
my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you
must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine."

[Pelt]

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small
tavern; the husband leans over and asks his wife.” Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.”

"Yes she says I remember it well"
"Ok." he says "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it
for old times sake."

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea." she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and
having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, “I've got to see this: two old-timers
having sex against a fence, I’ll just keep an eye on them so there's no
trouble.” He follows them...

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by
walking sticks, Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their
way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and
the old man drops his trousers, she turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in, suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen,

They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling "Ohhhh God" he's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has leaned something about life that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple
struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, "That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is."

As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together, Is there some sort of secret?

"No, there's no secret." the old man says, "Fifty years ago that damned fence wasn't electric!"

[Kevin_Richey]

Ron: This sure looks like you!

[Brian Jackson]

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

[Harry_S.]

You meanie!!! :p

[Chuck Irby]

When my two children were between 8 and 12 years of age things were really tough for us financially. I came up with an idea on how to save a fair amount of money on groceries. When lunch time came around I paid the kids a dollar a piece not to eat. Then I charged them a buck a piece for dinner.

[GyroRon]

No that wasn't me, but I like his style!

[Whirlydog]

an aviation joke I came across today

Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After a while, as it got boring, the first guy looks at the second and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?"
The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!"

So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the plane. Eventually they also get bored with this, so they decide to land. The drunk pilot starts circling around looking for a place to land and notices an airstrip near by. He says, "Let's land here. It looks like it's as good a place as any."

So he circles around and goes in for the landing, but at the last minute, he swerves and pulls back up. "Crap!" he says, "That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to land on it?" But since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try again, with the same result.

Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "Alright, I'm going to try ONE more time, and if I can't land it, we're just going to crash and hope we don't die." So they end up crashing and miraculously, neither is hurt.

When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy swears and gesticulates wildly at the runway. "I'm gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be a total moron! No one could land on anything that short!"

The second guy looks around and says "Yeah, but look how wide it is!"

Shawn

[rfonseca]

A little girl asked her mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

[Heron]

The young couple, on their way to getting married, have a car accident and go to heaven.
Upon arrival they aske God if they still could get married.
God thinks for a minute an says:
- Sorry! It will take at least 5 years for that to be possible.
The couple goes on living together and come back five years later with the same question. Can we get married now?
The Good Lord replies:
- Not yet, lets give it another 5 years.
The five years went by fast and the couple is called and they wed.
Six months go by and they come back full of complaints about each other asking for a divorce.
God souding a little upset:
- I took me 10 years to get a priest in here, do you have any idea how long it will take to get a lawyer?
:D
Heron

[quadrirotor]

that's it!....

[Screw]

Screw-In

Been to church lately?

Screw-Out

[Aussie_Paul]

Birdys wife is driving toward home to the station homestead from Alice Springs, when she sees an aboriginal woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Aboriginal woman climbs in.

During their small talk, the Aboriginal woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them. "If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers Birdys wife, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband David."
The Aboriginal woman is silent for a while nods several times and says,

"Good trade." :eek:

[Aussie_Paul]

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.


It's called a Wedding Cake.

Aussie Paul. :)

[Echo]

Two mates went out for a round of golf. By the fourth hole there were two women on the fairway in front of them playing slowly & holding them up , so one of the guys says to the other to go down & ask if they can play through. So off he goes , gets halfway down & turns around & comes back & says " I cant ask those ladies , one is my wife the other is my mistress, you go down & ask them. So his old mate heads off , gets halfway down to the girls & then comes back. he says "....its a small world , hey ? "

[Echo]

The Lone Ranger & Tonto were out riding their horses through a ravine one day when a heap of Indians rode up to the edge above them , covered in war paint ,waving their rifles in the air. The two commrades looked at each other & kept riding. Next thing on the other side of the ravine another mob rode up , even angrier than the first.
The Lone Ranger looks at Tonto & says " Looks like we may be in trouble here , Tonto!"
Tonto looks back & says ' ..what you mean 'WE' ..paleface "

[Echo]

A guy runs into a bar & says to the bartender "...quick ! Get me a beer before the trouble starts !!. So the bartender pours him a beer . old mate grabs it & chugs it down. " Quick , get me another beer before the trouble starts! " So the bartender gets him another beer & passes it over. " Listen, mate . Are you going to pay for these beers". The guy says " Oh, ohh..... the troubles about to start!!"

[Aussie_Paul]

One day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He did.
"Now take off my skirt." He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes to town again, I'll fire you on the spot."



Aussie Paul. :)

[PW_Plack]

I got my first-ever flight in a helicopter last week. Just to make me feel more comfortable, my instructor decided to loosen me up with a little helicopter humor. (Could just as easily apply to an Mac-powered gyroplane...)

Q: Why do helicopters always fly so low?

A: So you won't get hoarse screaming on the way down!

[GraemeMonro]

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that was enough, as
they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to His doctor and
told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The
doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the
problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get
a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear
and count to 10. The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not bethe
smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer
can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me, it will do the job",
said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer
can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at
which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could
continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand

[birdy]

Wots the difference between a pound of beef and a stallion???
The pound of beef makes a square meal.
The stallion makes the mare squeal.

[PW_Plack]

Brian Rotopix, your Dad may like this one...

Q: What's the difference between a semi-professional musician and a large pizza?

A: The large pizza can feed a family!

[joeheli]

This is a good one:

Title: The Pharmacist

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!" :D :D

[Brian Jackson]

Good one, Jose!

Paul, I'll make sure to pass that one along to him. :D I liked it

Here's one:
Toelio?

A newlywed couple prepare to consummate their marriage, having both saved their virginity until their wedding day. As they undress, the bride notices his feet... his toes are all mangled and deformed. She gasps and asks

"What happened to your feet?" The groom, slightly embarrased, replies "Oh, I had a disease as a child called Toelio, kinda like Polio except it just affects the feet."

As the groom disrobes his tuxedo slacks she notices his knees are all twisted and grotesque. "What happend to your knees?" she utters.

"Oh, when I was a kid I contracted Kneesles, kinda like the Measles but it only affects the knees." Moments pass, and as he removes his boxer shorts...

"Let me guess... Small Cox?"

[joeheli]

I just got this from my favorite site

Funny Questions:

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why
aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies
with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered
what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would
be if it didn't zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards
is Naive?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does
that mean the fifth one enjoys it? :D

[Brian Jackson]

To continue...

If it's a penny for your thoughts, why do you have to put your 2 cents in?

GyroRon should appreciate that one.

[PatONeal]

Texas chili cook-off with a Canadian Judge

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those
of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually
have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a
major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are
from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from
Canada.

Frank remarked: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to
the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Monster Chili

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy sh@# , what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh@# - faced from all of the
beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look
HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I sh@# myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about
Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At
least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If
I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
chili?

Contest Over.

[quadrirotor]

short jokes, please.

[Brian Jackson]

Man, that was a long haul for a joke. I feel like I should write a book report or something now...

[birdy]

Onya Pat. :)
Mebey it's a signe of my imaturity or sick sence of humer but it's along time since I'v laught tears. :D :D

[birdy]

Wots the difference between a nunn and a hooker in a bath tub???
The nunn has a sole full of hope,..................... .

[Pelt]

Lady suspects her husband of infidelity. One afternoon she calls home and a strange woman answers.

Wife: Who is this?

Maid: This is the maid.

Wife: We don't have a maid!

Maid: The man of the house hired me this morning!

Wife: Well, this is his wife. Is he there?

Maid: He's upstairs in the bedroom with a woman who I assumed was his wife"

The wife is fuming!

Wife: Would you like to make $50,000?

Maid: Of Course! What will I have to do?

Wife: Take my gun from the desk and shoot him and the woman he's with!

Maid puts down the phone. The wife hears footsteps, then two gunshots, then more footsteps.

Maid: What should I do with the bodies?

Wife: Drag them out and throw them into the swimming pool!

Maid: There's no pool here!

A long pause...............................

Wife: Is this 897-4990?

[Aussie_Paul]

Birdy, another roughie joke like that and you will be down to Gyro Rons level!!!! LOL

Aussie Paul.:)

[bones]

How do you make a hormone??
Refuse to pay her..........

There was this (young good looking Queensland blah blah)gyro pilot standing in a bar, a young pretty lass admiring him and noticed that he would continually keep smiling and laughing to himself, after some time she couldnt help herself and walks up to him and asked, why do you have such a happy outlook on life?
He explains that he had just purchased a new generation watch that was transmiting messages to him telepathically, and that it had been telling him about everyone in the bar.
She was intrigued, and asked so what does THIS WATCH say about me?
He stands quiet for a while, then says dont know how your going to take this but, it is saying that you dont have a bra and also underneath that very short mini skirt you dont have anything on either..
Well she says with a big smile it was completly wrong on both counts, so what do you have to say to that......
He just looks at it and gives it a couple of taps, quietly replies to her, bloody thing is a couple of hours fast again :)...

[joeheli]

This is a good one:

Fridays in Hell

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

[Pelt]

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided
it was time for marriage.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I would have
to say that I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, pondering this response. Then looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually and asked, "Was that one word, or two?"

[Chuck Irby]

Boudreaux walks into a bar, and says "Anybody got the number for 911?"
Thibodeaux says, "What's the emergency?"
Boudreaux says, "Is dat your truck wit da Great Dane in it?"
Thibodeaux says, "Yeah why?"
Boudreaux says. "I got some bad news for ya podna, my dog Phideaux done killed your dog."
Thibodeaux says, "What kind of dog you got?"
Boudreaux says, "A Chihauhau."
Thibodeaux says, "Explain to me how your dog Phideaux can kill my Great Dane?"
Boudreaux says, "He got stuck in his throat."

************************************

Boudreaux and his brand new wife went to a hotel for their wedding night.
He went to the front desk and asked for a room. He said it was their Honeymoon
and they wanted a very nice room.
The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the bridal?"
Boudreaux thought about it a while and then replied. "No, I guess not.
I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

[Victor Duarte]

heron , i learned today that portuguese have a really hawfull reputation :D as i am franco portugues, just go on, makes me laught!

ok i try to translate a french one ... always about engineeering ;)
lets go for a macho one, i ve a reputation to maintain :D.....

it s about Enzo FERRARI ... as he dies and comes in paradise...god specially wellcomes him personnally :
-"Enzoooooo ! i m so glad i can talk to you, i ve always been admiring your design ! .... such curves... so powerfull engine.. mmm the roar of the V12 , the music of the exhaust... a pleasure... BUT if i had one and only reproach to do, i d say.. the seams on the leather, you know.. just on the backface of the Steering Wheel are a little unpleasant and hurt a little....."
Enzo replies....
-"maaaaaa . signore, i also admire so much your design l... maaa the woman !..mmmmm such a perfect creature... the curves of the body... the curve of the breasts... such a beautyfull mouth.. maaaaa.... BUT..... if i had only a very very little reproach to do.. i would say that, on my opinion, when you designed it you put the ignition a little too close to the exhaust...."

[Victor Duarte]

ok another one 'for aussies)

two tourists , a french and a portuguese one, they travel by the australian outback, they are skilled walkers .. it s really hot as in hell .... suddenly ... a snake springs fron the ground and bites the french.. on the penis... he suffers, begins to get white, green.. the portugues takes the satellite phone they have and call an emergency number..

- please can i talk to a doctor ???? quick !!!
.......
-doctor! ... i have a big problem, we are in the desert and my friend has been bitten by a lethal poisonous snake!!! what can i do ???!!!?
- well ... dont panic, you can save him if you suck correctly the wound.....
.....
- thanks doctor..

the french, weaking, asks :
- sooo .... what did he say ???
............
- i m affraid he said you gonna die....

[birdy]

I just love this thread.

[Chuck Roberg]

Scotch and Water

This story is for Senior Citizens. If you don't yet qualify, save a

copy till you do.



A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two

drops of water.

The bartender gives her the drink, and she says, "I'm on this cruise

to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one is on

me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would

like to buy you a drink, too."

The woman says, "Thank you, how sweet of you.

OK then, Bartender, I want a Scotch

with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to

buy you a drink too."

The woman says, "Thank you very much my dear. Bartender, I'll have

another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink this time, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of

curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"



The old woman giggles and replies,

"Sonny, when you're my age,

you've learned how to hold your liquor.

Water, however, is a whole other issue!" :cool:

[Chuck Roberg]

G. W. Bush and John Kerry somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not
a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a
conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had KERRY in his chair reached for the
after shave. KERRY was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my
wife will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."

The second barber turned to BUSH and said, "How about you?" BUSH replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

[Victor Duarte]

rotf :D :D :D :D :D

what s the advantage of havin the disease of alzheimer ?

you can hide your Easter eggs your self !!

[Brian Jackson]

post moved to new off-topic thread called "Puzzles & Brain Teasers (http://www.rotaryforum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2103)" It didn't really seem appropriate here. Thanks.

Brian Jackson

[Heron]

Zeeoo:
WE love our founders the Portuguese, and thank them everyday for not messing up Brazil.
But all the jokes about dumb people have a Portuguese as target, I've heard they do the same with Brazilians . . .
There are lots of jokes, let me gather some . . .
Translation is almost impossible so I will have to adapt.
heron

[Victor Duarte]

hi Heron !!
no problem mate, as you say, every people has his portugues or brazilian, i love both them but specially appreciate people who dont care about that, just like me, i know no one here intended to offense otherone , if i did , i apologise... a french humorist said "we can laugh of everyting but not with everyone" ... well i prefer laugh of what i can.. :D

dont worry, portuguese like jokes and are very friendly, so am i ;)

friendly

victor

[Heron]

We enjoy a very especial friendship . . .the best thing in life is when you laugh at yoruself. I even made God laugh one time . . .so silly!
Here is one portuguese joke:
An airplane goes down in the desert!
Three men survived: An America, a British and one Portuguese!
They are walking almost dieing from dehidration and exposure to high temps when the stumble upon a magic lamp.
A Jennie comes out of the lamp and says:
I have three wishes so it will be one wish for each of you!
The practical American jumps and asks to be in New York . . .puff . . .there he goes!
The British after thinking a bit says:
-Very clever that yank, get me to London! And in a cloud of smoke he desapears . . .
The portuguese looks around and says:
-Whatta hell am I gonna do here all by myself . . .bring my friends back!
(kinda used but funny)
Heron

[Victor Duarte]

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D me and my GF laughed a lot

[Jonvee]

HOW MANY POSTERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB.

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[Victor Duarte]

:D should we see a kind of similarity with some forums here? :D

HERON >>> are you Brazileiro ?

[Heron]

Yep that is "US" for sure, posting to say I am not posting nomore!
ZEEOO: I am part brasileiro and part gringo as my friends call me in Brazil, you see . . .to much time trying to discover America (20+ years)
They say I speak in a funny way!
Pretty soon I will be back and giving up American Citizenship. (not atained yet)
Heron

[Vance]

Jonathan, that is very insightfull. Thank You, Vance

[Heron]

True bravery is . . .
Get home at dawn, totally drunk and see your wife at the door with a broom and ask:
-Are you going to swipe or fly? :D
Heron

[PTKay]

Jonathan, congratulations !!!!!

[Rando]

Those of us who have ever stuck a foot or two in our mouths will be able to relate . . .

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

[Chuck Irby]

Pretty good, Randy!

[joeheli]

A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."
The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!" :D

[bones]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck
until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it,
and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike
is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house,
Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family
before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person
who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says.
And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge
stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on
the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a
word. He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total
silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the f *****g dishes!"

[Chuck Irby]

Pretty cute, Jose and Mark.

[Heron]

The deep diver is working under the sea and hears this urgent message:
-Manoel . . .come up quickly . . .the ship is sinking!
Heron

[Pelt]

Here's another Portugese joke. Well....kinda :)


A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an
elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he
was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella
instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly!"

[Shadow]

This is an old joke. Those of you who don’t know what a swastika is will have to ask your Grand Pa.

It seems that during WWII there were 3 members of the Axis (ask GrandPa), a Nazi, a Jap and an Muslim , who were stranded all alone without reinforcements. While they were walking along they came upon this village that seemed deserted. After a thorough search they found this one woman alone in town. They regarded her as a spoil of war and decided to have their pleasures with her. They began arguing who would be first. Finally they decided that whoever could prove she was most like their county or customs would be first. The Jap got a big grin on his face and smugly pulled off her blouse and bra. He pointed to her full round breasts and shouted “by the rising sun she is mine”. The German jumped up and said “Oh, No”, and he bent her over and pulled down the back of her panties, pointed to the lines on her ass and shouted “by the swastika on her ass she is mein”. At that the Muslim very contemptuously looked at both the Nazi and the Jap, reached over and pulled down the front of her panties pointed at her beaver and triumphantly declared “by the Beard of Allah, she is mine".

[Heron]

What happened with Italy in WWII? :)
Heron

[joeheli]

:rolleyes: mmmmmmmm... ;) cool!

[Rando]

why didn't I think of this???

[Victor Duarte]

maybe it could work for a gyro ? a "dont fly this one" special marks....

[Heron]

My trick when going to tournaments with cantonment lodging was putting my money inside a used pair of socks and just leave them in the floor by my bed side.
They had something called "The Olimpic Slap", last day of competition everything was game as souvenir . . .bastards ! :D
Heron

[Heron]

Man walks in to a bar
- Evening! CAn I have a sandwich?
Barman:
- Welcome Sir . . .My Precious (talking to wife) can you take his order?
She goes and takes his order and goes to the kitchen to fix it.
Man:
- Can I also have a piece of pie?
Barman:
-Love of My Life, the gentleman also wants a piece of pie!
By the third time he calls his wife using very tender terms the man asks:
- What is the secret to keep this attention and love for so long?
Barman:
-Oh . .. there is no secret . . .I forgot her name 10 years ago!!!! :eek:
Heron

[joeheli]

That was good Heron!

[joeheli]

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.

He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles." :D :D

[joeheli]

This is a good one! :D :

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

[ahancock]

What happens to a lawyer when he takes Viagra?








He gets Taller

[GraemeMonro]

and freak out the other motorists.
Or Ken J. could tie them to his gyro and...

[Rando]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help! Thanks,

A Troubled User.

************************************************** ********
REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0.

It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1..0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support.

I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\ APOLOGIZE. Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great! program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support

[ahancock]

What;s the difference between a democrat and a republican?

The republicans want government to control your sex life. The democrats want government to control everything else.

[joeheli]

Wow we already have 8 pages of jokes. We can make a book and make money :D :D .

[Echo]

Q: How do Kiwi's find their sheep in long grass ?
A: Delightful.

[joeheli]

That was good Echo!

[joeheli]

Special High Intensity Training

Special High Intensity Training - S.H.I.T.

MEMORANDUM

TO: All Employees
FROM: Communications Services
SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained though our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office in town.

If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention.

All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.

If you think that you have a thorough understanding of the basic S.H.I.T. program, you may wish to participate in Management Of Related Education (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).

If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

Some of you already display aptitudes that would easily allow you to enter the Director of Intensity Program (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who do not qualify for this position but are still interested will certainly be referred to the Director Under Management Bureau (D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.). Those individuals who do not meet the requirements of The Bureau must first complete Special Training Under Personal Individual Discretion, Special High Intensity Training (S.T.U.P.I.D. S.H.I.T.).

If you have any further questions, please address them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) program.

Thank You.

Boss in General
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)

Copy to: Complete Registered Organized Computerized Knowledge Originating Firsthand; Special High Intensity Training division. (CROCK-OF-****) :D :D

[Echo]

Bill was edging his front lawn one day when his blonde neighbour came out to her mailbox , opened it , looked inside , then shut it & walked back into her house. A couple of minutes later she did the same thing. Bill was puzzled. The third time she came out did the same thing , slammed the lid of the mailbox down & turned to storm back inside. Bill called out & said " What's the matter ? "
" Oh , it's that stupid new computer I bought - it keeps telling me I've got mail ! ...."

[joeheli]

Pillow and Condom.

What did the pillow say to the condom?

I get more head than you. :D :D

[joeheli]

A woman answers the door to a market researcher
"Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline.
Do you use it at all in your household?"
"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."
"Do you use it for anything else?"
"Well,....."
"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."
Well, madam, I am astonished with your honesty. Out of all the people who have completed our research questionnaire, you are first to admit using it for sex. Would you mind explaining for me, how you use it during sex?
"Oh, why of course. It is quite simple really,.. the first thing we do is lock the door.
Then we just smear it all over the bedroom doorknob, this way the kids can't get in."

[joeheli]

Two men where arrested by a police officer. To try and get out of the situation, one of the men ate fire works and the other drank battery acid.

The police officer let the guy who ate the fire works go, and put the guy who drank the battery acid on charge. :D

[Echo]

A bloke walks into a pub one day , sits at the bar & orders a beer. Up on a shelf behind the bar is a jar with a $50 note in it , he says to the barman " Whats the 50 bucks for ?" The barman says " .. I've got a horse I keep out back , & he is terribly sad , anyone who can cheer him up gets the 50. "
Old mate says "I'll have a go. " Gets up & walks out the back. A couple of minutes go by , & he comes back in. " You better go check your horse. " he says.
The barman goes out , has a look & comes back in & says " I dont beleive it ! The horse is rolling around laughing , Ive never seen him so happy . Heres your $50."
A week goes by , & old mate goes back to the pub , looks up on the shelf & the jar has $100 in it " Whats the 100 for ? " He asks.
The barman says " Well since you were in here last week that horse has been driving me mad , laughing & carrying on , the $100 is for anyone that can shut him up!".
Old mate says " I'll have a go". Goes out to the horse , a couple of minutes go by then he comes back in. " Go check your horse".
The barman goes out , then comes back in & says " I dont beleive it, he is as quiet as a church mouse, just standing there with a blank look on his face. " So hands the $100 over. " Last week you made him laugh uncontrolably , & this week you shut him up , how did you do it ?"
" Easy..." old mate says " ..last week I told him I had a c.ck bigger than his... this week I showed him." :eek:

[Echo]

Whats the difference between a washing machine & a blonde?
You can put a load in a washing machine & it wont follow you around all day.

[Rando]

While trying to escape through Iraq, Saddam found a brass lamp and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the lamp and with a smile said Master, may I grant you one wish?"

"You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything", barked Saddam.

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that lamp forever."

Saddam thought a moment. Then grumbled and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!"

The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared.

The next morning Saddam woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance.

God is great!

[barnstorm2]

Safey cards for non-gyros

[barnstorm2]

Now this is a REAL mechanic!

[Rando]

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast
is clear."

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens
the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is
really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US
Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.
Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
Ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer
approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the
porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on
the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all
my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they
do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."

[Pelt]

A man goes to see Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion of Christ, and
is inspired to take his entire family to Israel to see the places where
Jesus lived and died. While on vacation, his mother-in-law dies. An
undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to
Wisconsin at a cost of $10,000 or the mother-in-law could be buried in
Israel for $500. The man says, "We'll ship her home." The
undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we
can do a very nice burial here." The man says, "Look, 2000 years ago
they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just
can't take that chance."

[Pelt]

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems" Linda told her friend.

"That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. "

"We're thinking of going to a sex therapist" said Linda.

"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"

Several weeks passed and they met for lunch again. "So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?"

"Things couldn't be better!" Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"

With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.

"But doctor," Mary complained, "You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"

"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios......"

[jawbrey]

devil challengs god to a baseball game

laughing the lord says you dont have a chance i have babe ruth , mickey mantel and all the greatest players up here


yes smiled the devil but i have all the umpires


james awbrey

[Brian Jackson]

Makes you go "Hmmm..."

[Pelt]

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club.

One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?" The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there,” and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, I drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table.

The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, I smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

[Pelt]

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

[birdy]

Wot's the difference between a circus clown and a police batton??

The circus clown dose cunning stunts,
The police batton is for stunning c.... .

[Greg_Peck]

I found this on another site and thought it was funny.

After every Qantas Airlines flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanical problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form used is a piece of paper on which the pilot completes the top part listing the problem, which the mechanics read and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, so the pilot on the next flight of that plane can review the form before taking off.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and responses with P= the problem logged by the pilot, S = the solution and action taken by engineers. Qantas, by the way, is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed

[Victor Duarte]

excellent screw !!! :D :D

one about gays ( i m not a gay basher, just find this one funny)

marcel and his lover, teddy, are in the living room..thinking about a game to spice up their sexual life...

-okay marcel, i have and idea... we gonna play a game called "ze cat and ze mouse"... i m ze mouse and you are ze cat... im gonna hide in ze house, you will count till 100 ... zen if you find meee, you ll get meeee !!!,
and if you dont find mee........ i m in the bathroon..."

[Echo]

A young boy asks his father ,"Dad is it OK for us guys to notice all the different types of boobs?"
Suprised the father answers "Well sure ,Son,we wouldnt be normal if we didnt...there are all kinds of breasts ..,depending on a womans age.
In her twenties,a womans breasts are like melons-round & firm.In her thirties to forties, they are like pears-still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty , they are like onions.
"Onions,Dad?"
"yeah, you see them & they make you cry ....."
Not to be outdone , his sister asks her mother " Mom , how many kinds of penises are there ?"
The Mother, delighted to have equal time answers, "Well,dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties a mans penis is like an oak, mighty & hard. I his thirties & forties, it is like a birch , flexible but reliable. After his fifties ,it is like a Christmas tree."
" A Christmas tree ?"
" Yep, dried up & the balls are only there for decoration!"

[Echo]

A Texan visiting in Australia , goes into a pub for a few beers. He gets talking to a few of the locals & the subject gets onto babies.
" When our eldest was born he weighed 12 lbs.." the Texan boasted .
" Yeah ,not bad. My missus had a kid last week that weighed 27 lb . " one of barflies replied.
" God damn , mister! Thats one hell of a baby." the Texan exclaimed feeling outdone. " What does he weigh now?"
" 18 lb" old mate answered.
" 18 lb? Babies usually put on weight, what happened?"
" We had him circumcised"

[Heron]

7 Dwarfs Meet The Pope-
Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says,
"Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!"
Everyone gets all excited and chants,
"We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him!"
The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying,
"Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!"
The Pope looks at Dopey and asks,
"Do you have a question to ask me, young man?"
Dopey looks up shyly and says,
"Well, yes."
The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks,
"Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?"
The Pope replies,
"Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."
The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting,
"Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!"
The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues,
"Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"
To which the Pope replies,
"Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes."
Still not satisfied, the others keep saying,
"Ask him the Last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!"
The Pope asks Dopey,
"Is there still more to your question?"
To which Dopey replies,
"Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?"
The startled Pope replies,
"Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."
At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling,
"Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"

[GyroTyro]

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the low country of South Carolina, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real. This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunder storm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and then stopped. Wanting a ride real bad, the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, only to then realize that there was nobody behind the wheel.

The car slowly started moving again,and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.

The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the marsh, where he would surely drown.

Just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the driver's window :eek: and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve.

Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town. Wet and in shock, he went into a little bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.

A silence followed and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and was not just some drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other: "Look Bubba, der's dat idiot what rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in the rain." :D
.
.
.

[MechFx]

whats the best way to kill a circus ???

A knife to the juggler....

[Victor Duarte]

two dogs in the veterinary , s waiting room...
the smaller, a yorkshire talks with a huge german dog.. cool and straight : "you know what, i m so sad... i made a bad thing.. the other day, i was so exited ... i just... hum.. tried to make love to my mistress... and she didnt appreciate...i scratched her and now... she decided to cut my balls... and now i m gonna be a half-dog... and all mates are going to laugh.. my life is broken by this stupid mistake.......
.... but you whay are you here for ?? "

"for the same reason..but my mistress asked the surgeon to file my nails...."

bestial isnt it ?

[Chad]

An Air force pilot goes to heaven

An Air Force pilot goes to heaven, and at the gate Saint Peter asks him if
he has ever done anything in his life that he believes makes him worthy of
admittance to heaven.

The Air Force flyboy replies, "Yes, I went into a bar with four of my pilot
friends and saw two Marine Corps pilots harassing a young girl at the bar.
So, being a gentleman, I went up to the biggest one and told him to leave
the young lady alone. When he refused I told him again more forcefully. This
time I slapped him across the face and told him to stand down."

Saint Peter said this was a very good thing to do, and asked when the pilot
did this great act. The pilot replied, "About 5 minutes ago. My friends
should be here shortly."

Semper Fi

[Victor Duarte]

excellent !
look these ads
http://kgalopin.free.fr/Download/Renault/ClioMTV.mpg
http://kgalopin.free.fr/Download/WomensHealth/womenshealth.mpg
http://ragone2.free.fr/Download/JohnWest/john-west-red-salmon-bear-fight.mpg

[Rando]

Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?" Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."

[MichaelBurton]

Walking through a flee market a man comes across a brass rat. He asks what the owner wants for it. He is told that the rat is $10 But that the story that goes with it is $100. The man buys the rat. On the way home rats start to gather behind him. The man runs over a bridge a throws the rat in. All of the rats drown in the river. The man runs back to the market. When he sees the former owner he is asked "so you want the story now its $200" The man say no I was just wondering if you had any brass democrats.

[PatONeal]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.


The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out
of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.


John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to
"clean up" the bird's vocabulary.


Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.


The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and
even ruder. In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and
put him in the freezer.


For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.


Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer.


The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I
believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm
sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend
to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."


John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, when
the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[Whirlydog]

A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Taiwan on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.

The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

One of the bank's employees then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Chinese man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business and this transaction worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Chinese man replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[Thomas]

Sorry about the mixup, try these links.

Female Brain (http://www.geocities.com/colosseum/Midfield/6432/female-brain.gif) Vs Male Brain (http://www.geocities.com/colosseum/Midfield/6432/male-brain.gif)

For those keeping track of our new enemy insurgents invading our heartland; news from the religious front, fighting tactics for a modern America: Revival !!! (http://media.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/1956/squirrel_revival1.swf)

Double Image Game (http://www3.sympatico.ca/spore/wip/SnapShotz.html)

OK, here is one more: It feels good to win (http://www.muchosucko.com/flash-ayiabtu.html)

[bones]

Duck walks into a bar and asks the bar tender, got any bread?
Bartender says, no we're a bar the sells beer/wine not bread.
Duck asks, got any bread?
Bartender says, no i just told you that this is a bar.
Duck asks, got any bread?
Bartender( getting pretty pissed by now) no you annoying little duck this is a bar.
Duck asks, got any bread?
Bartender( just about to loose the plot) right you little furry arsed little F*ck if you ask me for bread again i'm going to jump over this bar put both my hands around your throat, then i'm going to nail your feet to the bar some we can all throw darts at you....
Duck asks, got any nails?
Bartender, well no.
Duck asks, got any bread?
Yeah i know its abit slack

[Victor Duarte]

LOl
a translation frome french one, fitted for US market :

A Porsche and an old rusty Ford on a highway...

The porsche man drives cool and fast.. suddenly the ford come beside him, the driver opening the glass.. wanted to ask something..
-"HEY !! dya know Ford !!!?????"
the porsche man just accelerates to get him lost.. 100 mph and here he comes again..
-"HEY, HEY!!!! dya know Ford !!!?????"
Getting Pi..off the porshe accelerate faster...150 mph but the old oiece of rust stills behind..

-"HEY, HEY!!!! dya know Ford !!!?????"
Getting nervous the porsheman answers.
- "YEAH !!!!! OF COURSE I KNOW FORD, So, WHAT THE HELLL ???!!!"

-"HEY ! dya know where da brakes ?????"

[bones]

Ok i put a few women bashers on before, just to prove that i'm fair try these that were emailed to me;

HE SAID-SHE SAID

He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . ...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!


He said . . ...... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . . I would but you're never there.


He said . . ...... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said .. . . They don't have time

He said . . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said ...... . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said ................ . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good-looking?
She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.
She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

And my personal favourite.............................

Why did the man cross the road???
He heard the chicken was a slut!!!

[bones]

But just to even it up;

THINGY(thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing cricket without a box.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression,male bonding.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel toanother.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5
minutes.

MAKING LOVE(may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can
achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it.

[Victor Duarte]

a biker's one :

a little girl comes out of the school... a man on a harley stops about her and asks :
- hey ! get on !
- naaa
- come on ! i have candies !!
- naaaa
- oh come on !! i will give you a ticket for "harry potter"
- naaaaaaa
- damn holly sh...t what do you want !! ???
- dad i told you 100 times to not to come picking me at school with the harley !!