An old joke, but still cute.

[Chuck Irby]

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?

HUSBAND: "I guess so."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - - silence - - -

HUSBAND: "****."

[GraemeMonro]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.

I have never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart.

I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do"

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT???!!! What was that?!"


So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.


The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.


Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis racket when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."


I could hardly contain myself when I blurt out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT??!!!" I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she gad this look like she was going to kill me I added, why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"


Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly.........

[ToddP]

Those are both very good...I wonder if my wife will like them?

[Chuck Irby]

Graeme, that's excellent!

[Heron]

Q: When does one knows an executive woman had an orgasm?

[barnstorm2]

I'll bite Heron....

When does one knows an executive woman had an orgasm?

[Chuck Irby]

I don't know either Heron. Don't keep us in suspense like this.

[Heron]

She drops the brief case!
(cute)

[Chuck Irby]

That's an okay joke Heron. Don't you have something better though?

[Heron]

The guy dies and is at the havens lobby.
This very cute female angel comes around and explains to all that in order to gain entrance they have to go to a certain procedure and erradicate their sex organ.
First guys walks in and a scream follows . . .
Second guy goes in and an even more terrifying scream . . .
The third guys asks the angel that was taking the other guys in:
What is all that screaming for?
And she goes:
Well . . you see, the procedure is about what you did in Earth when you were living, the first guy was a doctor so it was fast, the second guy was a carpenter and we had to use a saw . . .
At this moment the third guy starts laughing uncontrolabily . . .and the angel ask him Why?
The explanation:
I was a popsicle vendor!!
Heron (getting better till it is too hairy)

[barnstorm2]

Much better :D And worse :D

[Chuck Irby]

Heron, I agree with Tim. Where are you, and when are you heading up this way?

[Heron]

Still down in Pompano Fla, stuck in the mud . . .
Not knowing when to move back to Texas.
I will search my files for better jokes. :)
Heorn

[Dingleberry]

Your momma so fat when she steps on a scale it say to be continued

your momma so fat when she wear a Malcom X t shirt helicopters land on her back

your mommas teeth so yellow when she smile traffic slows down

your mommas so old she rode a dinosuar to school

your mommas glasses so thick when she look at a map she can see people waving

your mommas so fat when she steps on a scale it says one person at a time

[Heron]

:rolleyes:
A woman is tranfered to work in another city.
After a few days she sends a telegram to husband:
"PLEASE PREPARE DOCUMENTS FOR DIVORCE URGENT! I HAVE FOUND THE IDEAL MAN, HE HAS THE QUALITIES OF THE NEW CHEVY MONTE CARLO!
The desperate husband dashes to the dealership and asks the vendor about the MOnte Carlo:
"IT IS MORE POTENT, LONGER, LARGER, FASTER GOING UP, BEAUTIFUL AND NOT A GUZZLER!"
The husband immediatly understands his wife's message.
Two weeks later the wife gets a telegram:
"PAPERS SENT, SIGN QUICKLY! I ALSO FOUND THE IDEAL WOMAN, SHE HAS ALL THE QUALITIES OF A CHEROKEE!"
The curious wife goes to the next dealer and asks about it:
"IT IS MORE RESISTENT, TAKES MORE WEIGHT, AUTOMATIC LUBE, THE BODY IS NEWER AND MORE ROUNDED, IT IS BEAUTIFUL AND CONFORTABLE, HAS AIR-BAGS, QUIETER, DO NOT LEAK AND STILL CAN BE LOADED IN THE REAR!" :D

[Chuck Irby]

Um, um, um, . . . You are bad, Heron, but that was pretty cute, and your best one yet, IMO.

[Phil_Ruffin]

The Wongs

A Chinese couple, Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wong's
have a new baby. The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
but definitely a Caucasian, white baby boy! Congratulations," says the
nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?"
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "
Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
so I think we will name him ...

Sum Ting Wong."

[Chuck Irby]

Pretty cute Phil. Phil, get with Scott and plan a nice three day get-to-gether for a weekend when there is no rain in the forcast, have your machine in the shade where we can work on it, and maybe we can get it ready to fly. Just let me know when.

[Heron]

It is 2 o' in the morning . . .couple in bed . . .hard knock on the door.
Hubby dresses is robe and gets to the door, where a man totally drunk says:
Hi Buddy . . .how about a push?
The husband vents his indignations, slams the door and goes back to bed, telling his wife what just happened.
She asks why he didn't help the poor guy . . .
He says: He was drunk for God sakes and it is two in the morning . . .
But his mind is already working some regret and he decides to help.
Opens the door and shouts in to the night:
Hey Buddy, are you still there . . .need help?
And the drunk replies:
"Yes . . .I am right here sitting on the swing!"